It's like I'm a lady... but I'm not.

Flubbin’ left and right. Just keep smiling and nodding.
Actual thoughts in italics.


Oh, you’re married? No way! That’s great! Since when?!
Next, please. :: eyes venturing elsewhere ::

Oh, you’re gay? Ha, oh, yeah, of course I fucking knew it.
Must. recalibrate. gaydar. 

So, what do you do? Oh, you live with your parents right now?
How many of you exist?!?!

Shots?! Okay, sure. Cheers, new friend! ::vomits::
:: while vomiting :: Look who’s not getting laid tonight! Watch how much vomit I have! None! Because I starve myself to look pretty. Will you fuck me?! Oh god, my breath. Where is he going?! 

Oh, you work out, huh? No, I don’t want to touch your arm. Okay, actually, I don’t care AND you’re pushing your luck, buddy. Please leave. Now. 
… success.

:: Rolls over in bed ::
Who the fu… 

Oh, that’s your girlfriend? My bad. I don’t want no prahlems.
Could totally lay him. Should I lay him? Nah.

Oh, you’re gay? What about tonight?
You think you’re sooo slick. 

Where’s that dude with the arms? 
… fail.

Oh, you’re married? … … …
Say something, you idiot. See that ring? DUMB ASS.


Brought to you by the single life. 
Partially.